If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
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A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
how many bears make up a bear minimum
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure