I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
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When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?