You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
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Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone