Sharon, call the vet
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crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
new shirt idea
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Teach your children to beatbox
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope