Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
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Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.