The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
You Might Also Like
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Candles never taste the way they smell
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?