my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
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I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season