The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
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Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
What’s a Messi?
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..