BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
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*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Writing, She Murdered.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.