(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
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I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over