When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
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If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”