Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
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me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens