I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
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Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
lol
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.