*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
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[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.