Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
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If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?