How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
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Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
thinking about a very short hotdog
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Good Morning.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better