Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
You Might Also Like
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?