If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
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Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Breaking news:
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Basically.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”