*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
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*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating