ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
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Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
LMAO
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
How much for the goth pool noodles?
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa