texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
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I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Breaking news:
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”