Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
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Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.