Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
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A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
💁🏻♂️
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Unimpressed
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast