me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
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Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Quadruple digit IQ
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
“i am a sweet baby”
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!