My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
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I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Great acting.. 😂