I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
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I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…