Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
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My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.