Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
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wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Alexa; make it look like an accident
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?