Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
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[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”