[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
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Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Delightful if true: booby trap.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!