you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
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Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
This is what makes twitter great
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I think they could have phrased this better
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
My blood type is coffee.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?