I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
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Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Who.
Did.
This?
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!