You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
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Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.