The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
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Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”