Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
You Might Also Like
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.