Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
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Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Me irl
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
So true for me
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope