So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
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“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.