I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
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War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.