[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
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My beach vacation Google searches
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.