You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
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I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
This was the best day of my life
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
No regrets in 2018
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*