Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
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Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Meat Cute
whenever i wake up before my alarm
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.