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Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..