Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
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A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
We like the way Dwight thinks
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.