Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
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Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes