cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
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I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.