[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
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2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me: