My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
You Might Also Like
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.