Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
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[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
don’t be scared
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
my proudest tweet
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
peak technology
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Cats are still liquid.