(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
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Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
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stoprilla
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tellthetruthon
uncleeater
True.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.