Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
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[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
I only treason on days ending in y
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
#ProTip
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.